tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6171250541612293421.post1306794705916089549..comments2023-09-10T08:27:56.520-07:00Comments on DKDK Zone: What you DO with what happens to youDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16811463567457697454noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6171250541612293421.post-61436794335362497872010-07-08T22:07:48.216-07:002010-07-08T22:07:48.216-07:00David,
The clarity of your definition of experien...David,<br /><br />The clarity of your definition of experience as it relates to events really stuck with me.<br /><br />"[Experience] transforms us, and makes life more dynamic and beautiful."<br /><br />I've been looking into my relationship with Austin to answer these questions. It is, after all, the most immediate, most powerful experience for me right now. <br /><br />I'm an incredibly sensitive person, at least in comparison to those I've met so far in my life. Because of this, others don't need to say things directly to me in order for me to understand, or to react, in a way that lines up with what they mean to say. For instance, Austin doesn't need to say: "I am going to give myself more power in our relationship and show you that I am hurt and confused by hurting and confusing you. If you don't do the dishes, I will treat you as if you're only my roommate, not my lover." All he has to say is: "I am completely frustrated that you haven't done the fucking dishes! I don't want to deal with this! Why haven't you done them? Am I your father?" All he has to do is scream and stomp and then become silent when I'm around, and I will gather the meaning underneath it immediately. <br /><br />But after I come to a realization about the meaning behind the words, I wonder if I actually created the meaning out of thin air. Continuing with the example, I wonder if I made that statement and the silent treatment sting me the way an experience would, when it was just human frustration, stress, nothing really to do with our relationship, nothing meant to hurt or transform.<br /><br />How do I know? What do I DO as a sensitive, emotional female relating with a male whose primary reaction to stressful situations is to be direct, robotic, and cold? How do I, being me, interpret him? When I am vulnerable and scared, do I search for deeper meaning in his words, even if they float in the shallow end? <br /><br />His response is strange to me. The distance he created is palpable for me. I began to blame him. I found his anger with me and his reaction as justified distance clues to an inner selfishness, an inner agenda -one within I cannot fit. I found his love to be lopsided and emotionally stressful. I questioned almost everything and thought "Aha! I know whats wrong with what he contributes to our relationship! He expects and rarely wonders. He excessively values knowing." (Admittedly, the "Aha!" was less of an "Aha!" and more of a "Waaa!") The fact that it all melted away as soon as the dishes got done maddens me, in both senses of the word.<br /><br />And no matter what, after all this meaning, I can't help thinking I may be full of shit. <br /><br />It's that fine line between experience and event that I'm testing. Did he get mad because I didn't do the dishes, or did he get mad because he expects me to fulfill all of his needs (or just this particular need?) and the expectation failed in his hands? Since this isn't the only event that has brought his purposed selfishness into question, why didn't I expect it? Why didn't I know before two weeks went by that he would react the way he did? If the meaning felt this enormous, why did I wait for the event to happen again? I think one can experience something without it happening (existentialism aside) because we can imagine it, whereas I don't think one can know something is going to happen before it does. And I think that this point is crucial in figuring out whether this whole thing was an event and I falsely made it an experience, or if there's a greater meaning that can transform me.<br /><br />Not sure if I'm being clear. It's been awhile since I've participated in a dialogue. I feel the need to stop and open up the floor again. I think if I keep going I'll inadvertently close it up due to epic bewilderment. Maybe I've done that already...M.R. Naginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03834554155745800047noreply@blogger.com